Please, Please Gifts Aren't Required

As we near our inevitable championship, a lot of people have been asking what they should get us as gifts to celebrate the event. First, gifts are not necessary…cash is fine. But if you insist on buying something and wrapping it up, well then here are some ideas that would be appropriate for any and all of the BT.

1. A copy of The Boz: Confessions of a Modern Day Anti-Hero by Brian Bosworth. Yes, I know we all have copies, but they tend to get worn out.

2. Any t-shirt that features a wolf and the American flag. BT’s dress well and we like to send a message to the ladies about our virility. Nothing says, “I want to party” like a super cool wolf T-shirt. Also, please buy them a size small, they’re better when they’re tight!

3. Since Alabama has had to vacate several NCAA football wins over the last couple years it’d be pretty cool if you bought us one. C’mon everything’s for sale. It doesn’t have to be a big win…maybe just a win against Ole Miss or someone like that!

4. A DVD of “Roadhouse” because as I’ve said before, watching it on cable is like watching soft-core gay porn. Rumor has it that certain members of the BT insist on watching it on AMC…c’mon Ambush…help a brother out!

5. A copy of Lesbian For Dummies: Highlighted Pocket Edition by Robyn Paul. Might be handy to have in your pocket at the bar when you’re trying to convince two chicks to make out. Also, there is a companion book that would be good to have too, Sushi For Dummies. (Seriously, go to Amazon.com, search for “softball for dummies” and those are two of the alternatives listed.)

6. A super cool lime green sport watch. Nothing better if you need to check the time during a softball game!

7. A date with Lindsey Lohan. I mean seriously, what’s a guy gotta do? Listen, we play softball on Wednesday nights. Have her meet me there. Or, better yet, have her meet me at Old Chicago afterwards. I’ll be the sweaty guy in the orange T-shirt. (Speaking of Old Chicago, on my way out the other night an ultra-granola chick stops me. She’s got the blonde dread-locks working and has obviously sworn off deodorant…cuz it’s not good for the environment or some shit...but let me tell you, her BO wasn’t helping the air quality at Old Chicago. Anyway, she asks me if I know a place in town that has a good salad bar. Really? Do I LOOK like a guy who knows where there’s a good salad bar? I’m not sure I’d know a good salad bar if it were squirming on my face! Seriously, you walk into a place that proudly advertises that it serves 110 different kinds of beer (including some kind of really gay RASPBERRY beer…No China Wall I haven’t forgotten) at 9:30pm and you ask a fat, sweaty, bald guy in an orange t-shirt with the Official Seal of Awesomeness emblazoned on the front, if he knows where there’s a good salad bar and you expect him to have an answer? You might as well have asked Charlie Weis where the next Weight Watchers meeting was being held!)

8. A copy of O’s Big Book of Happiness, by Oprah Winfrey. Oprah Winfrey is the motivating force behind the BT’s ’09 title run…she made Dr. Phil a star and she’s going to make us champions…really…I’m not kidding.

9. A matching set of jean shorts for all the BT’s. Nothing says “Softball Dominance” like a sweet pair of jean shorts. Please, make sure you don’t get the pre-washed-worn-in kind…we want the real dark blue babies.

10. A Blue-Tooth Headset. BT’s simply do not have the time to open a cell phone device and then place it to our ear. Nope. We don’t. We need to keep our hands free…for stuff…cuz we’ve all got REALLY important jobs and we’ve got to…or I mean we don’t have to…Frick! Why do we need these? I hate those frickin things and all people who use them. Cell phones are annoying enough, but these things take the cheesecake. They’re like Douche-bag-tags! A BT doesn’t need help or a prop to make us look like douche-bags…it kinda comes naturally. In fact, if you EVER see a BT wearing a Blue-Tooth headset, do me a favor and kick him really hard where his balls should be.

Look for an update on recent results soon. Your Tigers are making a move.

Love - BT