January 21, 2009

Let's get this started...

Welcome everyone to the initial blog entry for what is likely the world’s greatest softball team, The Bayside Tigers. Listen, I know what you are thinking. You’re thinking we are bat bag w/ wheels wielding Softball Guys. Rest assured, we are not. We do not wear striped pants, sliding pads, or are guys like this. We wear a white t-shirt with the logo of the sponsoring company and a number on the back (and no, no one on our team has the number ‘69’ because only softball meatheads do that and if anyone requested it, we would send them to a very, very bad place). We use bats that are dented to hell and made of iron and woodchips. Our off-season workouts are comparable to Charlie Weis’. What we are though, are everyday heroes working an 8 – 5 job and think of softball as a gateway to escape from the everyday grind and using it as an excuse to get some form of exercise, kick some ass on the diamond, then get boozed up afterwards… Or before.

Even though we are a ragtag group of guys, we have absolutely dominated the softball leagues in Iowa City for a few years now. The word "dynasty" has been mentioned once or twice in the papers. Our four consecutive second place plaques are evidence of our prowess. The word on the streets is that people have been clamoring for a little more access to the most awesome B/C league team ever assembled. In this blog you will not only get access to the musings of some of the finest athletes to don a softball glove, but we'll share our schedule, highlights from the week &, if you're lucky, our escapades during our post game celebrations. This type of access has never been granted before and should be more interesting than a night out with Amy Winehouse & a bag of crack.

Here's a little background about the mighty Bayside Tigers for the few uninformed. The amazing Bayside Tigers is a franchise of recreational athletic teams, most notably in co-ed volleyball and men’s softball. Co-founders Chris and Tracy joined forces to create the franchise in 2005. The volleyball team has competed in various leagues and consistently wipes up the floor with the competition and continues to do so. They have tactically morphed into a new team named "Everyday Heroes". The aforementioned awesomeness of this team has lead to many opponents forfeiting games when they know they have to play the unceasing Tigers, therefore the new team name.

But this blog isn’t about the utter awesomeness of Everyday Heroes. Well, it kind of is, but it’s mostly about the Diabolical Kids from the Corn, the softball team of the infamous Bayside Tigers. The team was formed in 2005 much to the displeasure of other teams around the IC area. Our first couple of years involved a few growing pains. The cornerstones were in place to dominate but we had to work into positions & sift out a couple of turds that lied about their skill level. Thank goodness those days are over and we have made our meteoric rise to stardom.

This initial blog will be an introduction to the team members who will likely grace the pages of this blog. Let’s take it around the horn!

Chris (MGR/ 1B)
China Wall (originates from his volleyball blocking/softball fielding ability, not his ability to put the hurt on a cheap Chinese food buffet)
Han Solo (get your heads out of the gutter! this nickname originates from him hitting nothing but solo home runs)

Player Description: Solo is the manager of the freshy fresh Bayside Tigers, and does a horrible job of it. Unfortunately, the other team members are giant sissies & won’t take on the role, so it falls at his lap.

Solo is most noted for making horrible line-up decisions, getting worked over by players complaining about their positions and his inability to send out less than 100 emails each week regarding playing times.

A natural first baseman, Solo will be reverting back to his home this year. He had been a utility player wherever there was a need in the past few seasons. One of few power hitters on the team, Solo either delivers a home run or a really deep ball worthy of an in-the-parker. Unfortunately, he is often so enamored by his own abilities that instead of running he typically stops and stares at his masterpieces like a pedophile in Toys ‘R Us and settles for a double. He also has a killer glove, is decent on the base paths but has no arm.

Nick (2B)
Big Unit (self explanatory)

Player Description: Nick is the lone sweet swinging lefty on the team. He is known for lofting picturesque fly balls to deep right field and having a wicked glove in the middle of the infield. He can be seen rocking his signature high red socks and smelly old Cubs hat whenever on the field (yes it is as sexy as you imagine). Off the field he can be seen drinking beers with the team, smoking a fag, & eating super nachos at Shakespeare's.

His claim to fame is defiantly crushing a walk off homerun to end the 2007 season. It was the ultimate Roy ‘Tin Cup’ McAvoy moment. Unfortunately the team lost due to the stupid homerun rule & Mr. Glass' shattered thumb. Screw those rules, we all felt good about that hit. A close second on the list of infamy is the time last year when Nick told the ump in the championship game of the season ending tournament to eff off thirty-seven times after being tossed. It were a thing of beauty, sorry kids.

Eric (SS)
EP (yeah, we know)
Vacuum (Dude picks up a lot of balls)

Player Description: EP is another one of the elder statesman of the team. He and Dad combine to make the oldest left side in slow-pitch softball history. He brings a sense of hilarity to the team, some sanity to the dugout (which is needed more often than not) and he is always ready to offer his love and encouragement to his teammates as they run the bases. They will often hear him yelling out supportive comments such as "My grass grows faster than you can run!", "Get that piano off your back!", and "I swear if you get thrown out again I will gut you like a fish you slow, stupid, turd!"

A former college baseball player, EP throws are as consistent as Shaq at the free throw line, but the dude can get the ball up and out quicker than a whore in church. He is also known to blitzkrieg a team with dongs and triples. One minor issue is that EP has been known to frequent crocs on the way to the ball game. We all know that three-year-old girls are the only people that can even come close to pulling that horrendous look off. That said, don’t mention it to him or he’ll shove his Badger croc flair down your throat.

Mike (3B)
Dad (the dude has 8 children that he knows of)

Player Description: Dad is the Julio Franco of the nasty Bayside Tigers. He has the only real leadership of the squad and can pretty much out drink anyone on the team.

Dad has a nose for the ball and is not afraid to take one off his member or his face. His throwing style is as unorthodox as Steven Segal playing guitar but he has one of the stronger and more accurate arms on the team. Dad finds it necessary to wear all black even when the weather is 98 degrees with 100% humidity. Due to his uniform choice, he garners all the powers of the sun to consistently hit singles. Most would rather watch the awkwardness of Joey losing her virginity to Pacey than watch Dad run the bases.

Tracy (LF/ LCF)
Human Highlight Reel (the dude makes redonkulous plays in the outfield and is a speedster on the bases)

Player Description: HHR is co-founder of the awe-inspiring Bayside Tigers franchise and is often the pimp of the organization, paying for league fees and jerseys. He will often step in as manager when Solo can’t find his gonads to make the tough decisions. HHR is also notorious for turning into Manny Ramirez, calling the day of the game to say he can’t make it.

HHR is known for his raucous taunts to opposing teams. He can do anything at the plate, hits singles, doubles, triples, and bombs. His speed is quicker than Charlie Weis at a buffet, his glove dynamite, and his arm is a bit better than the golden child, Jimmy Clausen.

Van (OF)
Vandemonium, Vantastic (Van really doesn’t have a nickname… We need to work on that)

Player Description: Van has been described as a combination of Gandhi, Lenny Dykstra & a panther. Obviously that spells trouble for the opposition (that is obvious, right?). He is this team's lead off hitter and resident thinking man. Let’s just say you better play him straight up because he'll hit it where you ain't. Aside from his offensive prowess he is also the gold glover of the outfield crew. He has been known to call off the right fielder from left center. Van is to playing outfield what Wilt Chamberlain is to dating, this cat is prolific.

He is also much appreciated as one of the few calming forces on this team of powder kegs. That said, he'd likely knee cap any deserving opponent in the name of Bayside. An interesting fact few know about Van is that prior to each game he eats a bowl of rusty nails & punches an unsuspecting stranger just to get his blood pressure up. The dude is so cold blooded he was once pronounced dead and didn’t let anyone know he was fine until he made it to the embalming room. Heartless.

Ottis (C/OF)
OT (obvious, right?)
Mr. Glass (no one, I mean no one, gets injured as often as Mr. Glass.)

Player Description: Mr. Glass is this team’s ultimate utility player, fielding several different positions over the years. One thing can be assured: he will get in front of the ball, that ball will likely take a bad hop, that ball will smash him in the face …..or worse. *Fun Fact – Ottis took a few weeks off last season prior to his wedding. This was done to avoid having a black eye in his wedding pictures. Smart thinking OT!

He is a heavy hitter and often bats 3, 4 or 5 due to his clutch hitting skillz. He also coined the phrase "Get Wet" which has been a team favorite since its inception. Thanks OT you are a pioneer in softball catch phrases.

Andrew (OF)
Global (originates from an excellent shirt & a waitress at Old Chicago)
Third Grade (originates from a post game tirade)

Player Description: Global has spent his career pitching and is making the switch to the outfield this year. This move will obviously make the team's superior outfield even better than last year. It will also create more pitching depth for the opposition to think about, eat it suckers. He has the team's best beard and possibly the hottest head (coincidence?). Global looks exactly like Leonidas from the movie 300. Like Leonidas, he has been known to instigate arguments with the opposition when necessary (or possible) and toss game balls, during play, into other fields in protest of umpire rulings. He's kind of the team's emotional spark plug on a team full of emotional spark plugs. Offensively he likes to use his crazy speed to get on base and then F.S.U. from there. He'll likely be a team leader in runs scored this year with his combination of speed and smarts. He’ll certainly lead the team in confrontations started.

Jason (RCF)
Hunnell (Egyptian for killer speed)

Player Description: Hunnell has always been a Tiger at heart, filling in when needed over the past couple of years. He has since decided to make a commitment to the team and be an every game player. His speed and reflexes are that of a Liger and helps him get to every pop fly in the outfield. Basically, it’s like having two people at his position he is so fast! At the plate the dude puts the ball in more awkward places than Mitch Albom’s ears.

If Global is the Chuck Norris of beards on the team, Hunnell is our very own Richard Karn. Word has it that Jason has spent some time with a Special Forces tactical group called the Black Ops but that can’t be confirmed. More to come if this story grows legs. We Tigers will not be silenced when there is truth to be found.

Brett (C/RF)
Gart (who knows? he showed up with it)

Player Description: Brett is the team clown and the Dan Quayle of spelling. We had him write up his own player description, trust me, this is not edited:

I now what you are thinking & you can put the stairiotypes away. I can krush the ball with the best of them (liter in homrens and .119 badding avreg). I hav the strenth of 3 wreatards and cot more than a cupol of fli balls last year. It's all about poziting for me bhine the plat. I ofton enjoys enspiring both teams with some mean spearited cagoling. After teh game i likes to down a zema or two thin skoote home early to watch the Gillmore Girls. So if you went to hange with me after the game you beter get their earlie.

Vin (P/C)
Vinsanity (lame, we know)

Player Description: Vin will be moving from catcher to pitcher this year. His hidden talent of pitching came about in the playoffs last year when Global was on vacation in Rwanda or Guatemala or some other god forsaken, disease infested country. He led the almighty Tigers to the championship game. He pitched well enough to earn the starting gig this year.

Vin often rocks some of the sweetest shorts from the 80’s on the team, but man can he pull ‘um off. (Nut huggers haven’t looked this good since Sweating to the Oldies III).

Vinsani…oh I can’t do it! We really need to work up a better nickname. Vin is well known for his post game beer guzzling abilities and his love for the Boston Red Sox. Until the recent success of the Sox it could have been argued that one drove the other. This year rumor has it that Vin is going to attempt a Kevin Youkilis monster goatee.

Live once, get wet, and die,

The Bayside Tigers

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