We want there to be no confusion amongst “Ambush” and “Jungle” cuz…well…they’re a bunch of loser-d-bags and we’re awesome (way awesome). (Proof our fan base is so ridiculously awesome; they named themselves Ambush, which is specific to Tigers. Bengals fans named themselves the Jungle? There are bengals, tigers, lions, bears, and jaguars in the jungle. There are spider monkeys in the jungle…why are there no NFL teams with a spider monkey as a mascot? Doesn’t make much sense to us…)
So, Cincinnati Bengals…QUIT CALLING US! We are not going to appear at your home games or on your media guide! We’re also not going to be character witnesses for you & we definitely aren’t going let Chris Henry baby-sit our kids as a part of some jacked up Cincinnati court ordered scared-straight program.
For those of you in the Bengals front office who need things explained in an Us v. Them shaped format…here is a little comparison detailing the differences between us (awesomeness personified) and the Cincinnati Bengals (Gormanosity personified):
Cincinnati Bengals v. Bayside Tigers
Them: Prolific Losers, let’s face it they are Gormanesque (I know this seems obvious but it’s a good place to start) - Us: Winners…Awesomeness (Also obvious, right?)
Them: Guys with gold teeth? - Us: Guys with beer & chicken wing stained teeth…well except for Tracy and that electric smile! (Personally, I think that’s why he goes with the khakis on game day…he’s trying to “ugly-up” just to fit in! Thanks for that Tracy!)
Them: Anthony Munoz (HOF)? - Us: Brett is built just like him! (In a weird coincidence, Munoz wore #78 and Brett HIT .078 last year!)
Them: Tim Krumrie breaks his leg in the Super Bowl and gets carted off the field. - Us: If a BT breaks a leg in a game, he’s gonna rub some dirt on it and finish the damn game…well…unless it’s OT…he’d cry like a sissy and go to the hospital! (Another odd coincidence, Krumrie wore #69 and OT missed 69 games due to injury the last two seasons)
Them: Carson Palmer has a Heisman Trophy (& a penchant for wieners)? - Us: Nick has a trophy from his 7th grade basketball team for being tallest! (Ok this is just getting spooky! Palmer wears #9…Nick flies out to the RF every at bat…In the score book the right fielder is #9!)
Them: Players demand trades from Bengals or leave via free agency! - Us: No one has ever asked to leave the Bayside Tigers. EVER! (We did try to trade Solo, but the other team couldn’t come up with enough Miller High Life to satisfy our requirements. Sorry China Wall, but in our defense, we love beer.)
Them: Ken Anderson’s cheesy moustache? - Us: BT players rock the cool facial hair…except Van…but Sunshine in “Remember the Titans” didn’t have facial hair either! Van is the BT’s version of Sunshine! Seriously though, come to a game sometime, it’s like an Al-Qaeda meeting. Whiskers as far as the eye can see.
Them: Draft History? David Klingler, Dan Wilkinson, Ki-Jana Carter, Akili Smith, Peter Warrick? BUST CITY! - Us: Last year we drafted EP and Vin…and EP is pretty good…except for the crocs! This year we picked up Hunley and we didn’t even have to trade up to get him! (All-Stars!)
Them: Stupid Nicknames Like “Ocho-Cinco?” (One nickname we do agree with is the Bungles) - Us: C’mon…Global is an awesome nickname…but he’s not going to go legally change his name because of it? (This one’s a bit of a reach, but freaky if you think about it… “Ocho-Cinco” means “8-5” and the score of the game on the field where Global’s famous rage throw landed was 8-5!)
Them: Professional Football Team? - Us: We’re actually a better football team!
Them: Cheerleaders? - Us: Okay, they’ve got us there, but we couldn’t do much with the talent that showed up at the tryouts?
Them: Lard Ass - Us: Andy Dufrane
Them: Screech - Us: Zack
Them: Porkins - Us: Luke Skywalker
Them: Wes Mantooth - Us: Ron Burgundy?
Them: The Ickey Shuffle? - Us: Do you know how many kids Dad has? He must have the sweetest fertility dance EVER! (Okay, this coincidence is going to blow your mind…Woods wore #30…Dad has 30 kids!)
So, I think that spells it out pretty clearly. Now, if you see a Cincinnati Bengals fan (or Bigfoot, The Loch Ness Monster or a girl interested in Gorman) don’t disparage them…just pat them on the head, turn them around and send them back to Ohio where they belong! It’s almost unfair to compare the BT to the Bengals if you consider the merits of the two cities! So, with all due respect to Letterman again, here’s the TOP TEN reasons of why Iowa City is so much better than Cincinnati.
TOP TEN REASONS IOWA CITY IS BETTER THAN CINCINNATI!
10. What the frick does the word “Cincinnati” mean? It’s nonsense! Iowa City means “city in Iowa.” Have a name that means something!
9. Jerry Springer was elected mayor of Cincinnati before his show! Well, I guess he’s always been popular with white trash!
8. Iowa City has the Wig & Pen…it’s a British-style Pub that serves Chicago-style Pizza! Genius! (Now that said, if Management from the W&P reads this, will you PLEASE get Miller High Life back on the menu! C’mon, it’s the champagne of beers! Now that said, if management for Miller Brewing reads this, MHL is already the official beer of the BT Pitching staff, and I think we’d be MORE than willing to make it the official team beer!).
7. Kirk Ferentz could kick Bob Huggins ass! (I know Huggins is at WV now, but he’s the only coach from the University of Cincinnati that anyone has ever heard of and can rival the rap sheet of any Hawkeye football player!).
6. Cincinnati is practically in Kentucky…don’t get me started on Kentucky!
5. The Ohio River hasn’t flooded Cincinnati in like 70 years! Sallys! Flooding builds character! (For the record though, it does nothing for your living room carpet, drywall or your softball field).
4. OHIO uses the same vowel (o) twice…your name is only 4 letters long…how about a little creativity? IOWA…no repetition there! You puds tried the 3 vowels and 1 consonant and failed. We perfected it. Watch and learn, turds.
3. Okay, Kevin Youkilis played baseball at the University of Cincinnati and that’s pretty freakin’ awesome…but he was in their own back yard and the Reds were too frickin stupid to draft him! (You can bet that if IC had a pro-baseball team, they would have drafted Youk!).
2. University of Cincinnati BEARCATS? What the frick is a BEARCAT? Who picked that mascot, Napoleon Dynamite? Does it have cool magical powers too? Iowa Hawkeyes! That’s BA…named after an awesome character from the classic novel Last of the Mohicans. Hawkeye totally got Madeline Stowe in the movie!
1. Iowa City has the Bayside Tigers…nuf said!
So, in summation: Cincinnati Bengals are losers, BT are winners; Cincinnati sucks, Iowa City rocks. There you have it! So simple even a Bengals fan could understand it!
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I actually think Cincy isn't too bad, but funny article though!
ReplyDeleteOkay, as a student at the University of Cincinnati, I'm really tired of people not doing their research before their criticism. A Bearcat is in fact a legitimate animal. It's an Asian species with the scientific name Binturong, though it has always been called Bearcat or variations of Bearcat. Never seen one? Google is a great resource. You can also visit the Cincinnati Zoo to see one in person. Her name is lUCy.
ReplyDelete