Turning Two: Dropping A Deuce - The Gym Class Heroes Strike Back

I received an e-mail from an Ambush member the other day and here is what it said:
“Are you going to let Gorman get away with cutting up the Tigers?”
My immediate thought was “Former Milwaukee Brewer, Gorman Thomas has taken issue with my team?” It actually made sense to me since we are all fat-mustachioed home run hitters, a role he pretty much invented. I was looking forward to a Coke vs. Coke Zero lawsuit type of thing. But no, as it turns out, it was some innocuous turd burglar named Gorman that has a craptastic blog about sports -- and apparently he has a beef with us.

As you all know, we like to spread knowledge while we are out there in the abyss known as the Internet. A couple of weeks ago, we made a comment concerning the delusion surrounding a terribly insipid blog Gorman vomited accusing Club Trillion blogger, Mark Titus, of plagiarism. Of course, in true BT fashion, we did not sugar coat any of our comments in the response. Like Mom always says, “If you can’t take the heat then get your head out of the oven, idiot.” Our message apparently struck a nerve. To our wonderment, Gorman, in true douchetastic fashion, decided to write an entire blog bashing Iowa, bashing our blog, declaring war on the BT and suggesting his 12 readers (guy has a pretty big family!) should choose a side, all whilst continuing to get his shots in on Titus. After reading the entry multiple times we figured we were dealing with some no talent soccer scorekeeper, Charlie Wies’ dietician or (fill in the blank for someone that does a bad job). As semi-professional psychologists, we have concluded that Gorman must suffer from TSD.

So, here we are, at an impasse. How do we respond to this hack known as Gorman? Let’s give it the old college try…

First line of his article Gorman says: “I’m absolutely certain this post is not going to make me wildly popular in Iowa.” I wouldn’t flatter yourself if I were you. In the six days that your post has been on your front page we have had 13 visits redirected from your site (11 of which are probably from BT members). You’re not exactly setting the world on fire with your journalism, nor are we, but then again, our awesomeness is already known worldwide. You appear to be less significant in AND out of Iowa than Amy Winehouse’s toothbrush.

I greatly appreciated Gorman’s definition of our spat as ‘war’. Gorman, we are not at war, not even close. For the record, if we were at war, then your first strike made you seem a little French. At best, we are in a bickering match with a 3-year-old who starts every comeback with “No, you’re the (fill in whatever we just said)". At war? Hardly. There are currently only two wars going on in this country, U.S. v Terror & Charlie Wies’ gut v his elastic waistband. At most I would consider this a bickery slap fight. Unfortunately for you, we have big hands (although we were not, in fact, the inspiration for “Big Hands” character mentioned in the classic Violent Femmes tune “Blister in the Sun!”)

Allow me to quote your “assault” on Iowa: “the land of a Caucus, some corn, and pretty much nothing else.” Well, you got two out of three right, big guy! That’s 66% and that’s nine points higher than your IQ! We are the land of THE Caucus and we do have some corn (actually a “crapload” might be more accurate!) But the “nothing else” part just shows a lack of knowledge and effort! C’mon, Gorman, there are a million other things about Iowa you could have chosen to make fun of! What about Zach Johnson? Too elite for you to pick on? You dropped the ball there, buddy!

There is nothing better than when a moronic dolt digs deep into their pot of delusion to make fun of something he knows little about – in this case, Iowa. However, you may have combined stupidity with bad luck by taking a pot shot at the state of Iowa from your little ivory tower in Massachusetts. You see, I grew up in Massachusetts…so I know just how crappy that state really is and just how miserable the people are!

Now, let’s give credit where credit is due. Massachusetts has a great history that has shaped this wonderful country…yes, even the Salem Witch Trials went a long way in that regard! Also, AMAZING seafood; I miss the pizza a lot too! The Boston Pops, Fenway Park and the Red Sox? Nothing better than those! Cape Cod and Nantucket were getting a little exclusive and a tad pretentious the last time I was there, but they are really pretty cool. Begrudgingly, I give you the Patriots and even the Celtics…in other words, I admit their greatness, but I’m not happy about it. Now, I know there are other noteworthy items, but I’m not here to kiss your ass!

So, let’s talk about some of the not-so-wonderful things. And, Gorman, since you’re a slowcoach, let’s make it simple and steal from Letterman to make things easy for you: here are the Top Ten Crappy Things about Massachusetts:

10. The Kennedy Family…(Not JFK or RFK…may they rest in peace.) As bad as the drugs and the drinking and the cheating and the murder scandals have been…Maria Shriver married Schwarzenegger? Really? Were Steven Seagal and Jean Claude Van Damme not available?

9. “Southie” – which has been overly glorified and romanticized in movies lately…if you count “Good Will Hunting” as lately – is a real frickin’ hellhole. If you’re not from Southie, you don’t GO to Southie (unless you want drugs or hookers), and if you have a chance to get out of Southie, you don’t walk, you RUN.

8. Your house costs 5 times as much as mine and it’ll fit in my garage!

7. Great private schools…crappy public schools. Sure, you have Harvard and MIT, but how many people from Massachusetts actually go there? The private schools are pretty pricey and out of reach of the common man. Most people have to go to a dismal public high school and then UMass or Lowell! The average Iowan goes to better schools and universities and is therefore better educated than the average Mass-hole! Based on your writing ability, Gorman, I’m thinking you’re a product of the sub-standard Massachusetts public school system and Bridgewater State. Think I’m wrong about MA public schools? Remember, Teddy Kennedy was one of the architects of No Child Left Behind…I wonder why? (BTW: I went to a private high school and then out-of-state for college)

6. You’ve got Matt Damon and Ben Affleck…okay, I raise you Ashton Kutcher and Tom Arnold! What can I say? I guess Iowa men love their HOT older women! (Gorman…that’s a joke…Tom Arnold married Rosanne…NOT HOT! I was being facetious. ;))

5. “The Perfect Storm” glamorized the Atlantic fisherman as gritty, blue collar, salt-of-the-Earth types, but we all know that real fisherman are about as white-trashy as they come. We’ve got white trash in Iowa, but at least they know they’re white trash. The average professional fisherman has more convictions than teeth…and is proud of it!

4. You don’t have Shawn Johnson…less than ten months until she’s 18! You’re lying if you say it hadn’t crossed your mind!

3. The Massachusetts accent? C’mon, you know you sound like idiots to the rest of the English-speaking world, right? I mean it’s REALLY stupid sounding! It makes New Yorkers sound sophisticated! Why don’t you, “ Paak yuh caaa in Haaavid Yaad” and have them frickin’ teach you to pronounce the letter “R!”

2. Q: What’s the greatest American novel? A: Moby Dick. What’s it about? A boatload of New Bedford (MA) men go to sea and get their asses kicked by an albino whale. The quintessential American novel is about a bunch of losers from Massachusetts underestimating a force of nature and eating it big time! Sound familiar? (Gorman, I know you’re not very educated, but in the metaphor I’m setting up here, you’re the nimrods on the boat and we’re the ass-kicking mammal with the big dick) Gorman, maybe you should change your blog’s name to “The Pequod!”

1. Massachusetts doesn’t have the Bayside Tigers! In Massachusetts terminology we are “wicked awesome.”

So, there you have it. I could go on and on rebutting every dumb thing this toolbox wrote but in the end, I think you should just go over to his “creative and humorous” blog and read for yourself. If you never come back because Gorman won you over with his razor sharp wit and charming personality, then good for him. I predict you will likely fall asleep after his opening paragraph, conk your head on the computer desk and curse the day you ever heard of Stormin’ Gorman and his coma-inducing blog. Personally, I’m looking forward to his comeback in which he points out that Iowa has pigs and soybeans and not much else! Gorman, I know you write, “From the heart. The gut. The soul,” but maybe you should try writing from your brain.

And, in true Bayside Tiger fashion, a music video shout out to our boy, Justin Gorman.



Live once, get wet, then die!

Sincerely,
"Your Gym Class Heroes"
The Bayside Tigers