Well, it’s time for us to answer some fan mail:
Larry from Valders, Wisconsin writes:
“As a man who would like to one day become as awesome as the BT I was wondering if you could give me a little help. You guys are clearly MEN in the finest sense of the word. Could you give your readers some tips on how to be a man among men?”
Larry, that’s a great idea! We should use our wicked awesome manliness to be role models in this world of quasi-men (see-TurningTwo). So here is a list of rules, or guidelines all BTs live by…or strive to live by. I think you’ll find that these rules not only lead to softball dominance, but also a social dominance that is synonymous with AWESOMNESS!
Bayside Tigers Official Man List: PART 1. (Please keep in mind that these are in no particular order…awesomeness is not an exact science)
1. We watch “Roadhouse” unedited with the nudity. Edited and played on basic cable…it’s basically soft-core gay porn.
2. We do not use our cell phones in a public bathroom. There is NO talking in the men’s room. No foot tapping either, but I think that goes without saying! You see, men do not need to verbalize every thought that springs into our heads and therefore 99.99999% of what we’re thinking should not be said aloud anyway…therefore the odds of you having a thought worth expressing while pissing is pretty slim! Talking (or texting) in the can is a chick thing. That’s why women go in herds! Men are solitary animals…it’s science!
3. Either you have facial hair, you are growing facial hair, or you don’t have facial hair. The permanent stubble look is for douche bags with jell in their hair! If you have some kind of electric razor that trims your facial hair to a five o’clock shadow look everyday…throw it out!
4. You do not color your hair for ANY reason. Whatever color your hair grows, that is your color. We also do NOT try to hide our baldness…I’m talking comb-overs here. You’re not fooling anyone! Oh, and if you have a perm, or have ever had a perm…exit this site immediately, go flip over your mattress and cry yourself to sleep you bed-wetting douche bag!
5. We are awesome at softball. (However, we don’t TALK about it…everyone in the world knows it…talking about it would be redundant!)
6. We fill out brackets for the NCAA tournament, watch the Super Bowl, eat meat (in vast quantities), have tools we bought for one job and have never used again, have magazines next to the toilet, can punch in the channel number for ESPN on our remote without looking, can quote from “Caddyshack,” “The Godfather I or II,” “Shawshank Redemption,” and at least one Will Ferrell movie.
7. We will ditch a buddy in a second to get laid. “Bros before Ho’s” sounds kinda gay. Let’s face it, we’ll do just about anything to get laid…cuz you see…it’s fun…WAY funner than hangin out with the guys! Also, NEVER refer to a friendship as a “Bromance!”
8. We do NOT have “second-favorite” sports teams. You have one team per sport and you stick with it for life…sorry Cubs fans.
9. We NEVER comment on, or even NOTICE what other men are wearing! Unless it’s a t-shirt with a smart-assed line on it…then you can give your approval. (Okay, there is another instance when you can make fun of a buddy, if he’s wearing something so ridiculously inappropriate for a given occasion, you may make fun of him for it…like wearing biking shorts when biking, a speedo while swimming or khakis while playing softball.)
10. We carry our weight (fat) above the belt…we do not have FAT NUTS or allow ourselves to have FAT NUTS! A big butt is acceptable…just as long as it stays in the back of your pants.
11. We just don’t talk about our feelings…especially to each other. We don’t actually have feelings other than hunger, thirst and lust so why talk about them…they’re a given. (Another exception is that a BT will occasionally recognize the feeling of constant gratification that comes from knowing how awesome we are…but again, we don’t TALK about it…everyone in the room knows it…talking about it would be redundant!)
12. We bathe, wear deodorant, and brush our teeth regularly…we do not wear cologne, body spray or put any “product” or conditioner in our hair (even if we had any).
13. We can grill anything…steaks, fish, pork, spaghetti…ANYTHING!
14. We do not bring a bag of chocolate to a buddy’s house…EVER!
15. We do not brag about how awesome we are…and irony NEVER escapes us!
16. We do not find our women on the internet…we do as God intended…we sit in bars and wait until we hear the mating call from an acceptable prospect. (The mating call is: “I am soooo drunk!”)
17. A man is not defined by the car he drives…even if it’s an early 90’s Mercury Station wagon that your wife has played bumper cars with. The opposite is true also…just because you have an awesome ride does not make you awesome…in fact, you’re probably the douche bag who takes up two spaces in the parking lot and has the #69 on the back of his softball jersey!
18. Tattoos are a grey area in the man definition. You certainly don’t NEED a tattoo to be a man and I’ve never seen a tattoo enhance someone’s awesomness. However, tattoos CAN be cool…but most often they are douchey. Also, if your tat has some kind of symbolic importance…I don’t want to hear some long story about it. Save it for the chicks. If a guy asks another guy what his tattoo means…he’s most likely making fun of him. Moreover, NEVER, under any circumstances, get a tattoo of a woman’s name…Mothers and Daughters excepted. (No, a Bayside Tiger tattoo is NOT cool…it’s too much like advertising one’s awesomeness and we don’t TALK about how awesome we are…everyone in the world knows it…talking about it would be redundant!)
19. Being drunk is not an excuse…it might be a goal…or a benefit…or even a reason…but you’re still responsible for what (or who) you did. Beer does not make you stupid…you were stupid long before the beer got there. Beer is your friend…it’s always there for you…stop blaming it for shit!
20. Men don’t write checks. There is no earthly reason for a man to carry a checkbook. Get a debit card.
21. A man’s signature should be the only words he knows how to write in cursive! Also, his signature should be signed in 1.74 seconds or less and be completely illegible.
22. A man should know at least one joke that is sexist and demeaning to women. (Please keep in mind that one is the minimum…more is better.)
23. A man has done at least one critically important thing hung over. (If you’ve done A LOT of critically important things hung over you’re not awesome…you’re an alcoholic and you may consider this your intervention.)
24. A man knows who Kaiser Soze, Wally Pipp, Mr. Hand, Moonlight Graham and Fern Liebowitz are. He knows who’s Money and what to eat with fava beans and a nice Chianti. He knows what the Green Monster is, how to make a sticky bomb and whether they were built for speed or comfort. He knows who Luka Brazi sleeps with and what Rocky eats for breakfast. He knows who’d consume the English with fireballs from his eyes, and bolts of lightning from his arse. He knows what the tuck rule is, and what the Statue of Liberty play is (unless he’s from Oklahoma). He knows where Zihuatanejo is and what word the Knights Who Say Ni cannot hear.
25. A man also lusts after Lindsay Lohan…okay I may be going rogue here…I think she’s really hot, but that might not be a “man” thing…it might be more of a “me” thing…Lindsay, if you’re reading this (of course you are!), go back to red and call me!
So, Larry, there’s a start. The list is alive and will continue to grow so keep checking back for updates. Please feel free ask any questions regarding this or future lists. Also, we’d be willing to listen to any and all suggestions from the AMBUSH! If your suggestions are good enough, they might make the top 100.
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