24 Burning Questions

The Internet is a bottomless pit of knowledge! What a bunch of crap! Maybe a bottomless pit of USELESS knowledge! I cannot find the answers to some real questions! So, I am going to use the vehicle of awesomeness that is bayside-tiger.com and put the question to the AMBUSH! Feel free to chime in with answer to any or all of these questions…cuz I really am dying to know the answers!

1. Is Erin Andrews hot because she’s hot…or is she hot because she likes sports and spends most of her time holding a phallic symbol close to her mouth?

2. Why do people insist on drinking flavored beers? Beer IS a flavor…and likely the best one!

3. Why are roads always wet in movies?

4. Does it look gay when I passionately lick the butter off corn on the cob before I eat it?

5. What happened to the Cop Car Decepticon (Barricade) in “Transformers?” Did he just decide to take the battle in the city off or what?

6. Why would anyone draft a quarterback in the first round? Is there a bigger crap-shoot in the world? Basically, you have a 70% chance of paying a guy millions of dollars for sucking…(insert your own joke here). You gotta go line in the first round.

7. How many blades do I really need on my disposable razor in order to get a close shave? How many are we up to…five? Are there scientists locked in a lab somewhere dreaming this crap up? “How are we ever going to top 4 blades? That’s it! We’re done! Mission Accomplished! There is no way we’re ever going to come up with a better idea…than four blades…wait…hang on…this is going to sound crazy….but hear me out…”

8. What the hell is Manfred Mann talking about? How can something be “wrapped up like a deuce?” I’m really confused! Of course not as confused as I was when I was a kid and though he was wrapped up like a douche.

9. Steven Seagal is still starring in movies. Yes, they are direct-to-video “features” on the top shelf at your local video store, but they are still movies. Now, don’t get me wrong…I like “Under Siege” as much as the next guy…especially the birthday cake scene… but that movie came out like 17 years ago! He’s still making like 3-4 movies a year! Here’s what disturbs me… Follow me on my logic here: 1) If he’s starring in movies, then somebody is paying him to star in movies. 2) If somebody is paying him to star in movies, then somebody must be making money off the movies. 3) If somebody is making money off the movies, then somebody must be buying/watching the movies. With me so far? Good. Now here’s the question: WHO THE HELL IS WATCHING THESE STEVEN SEAGAL MOVIES?

10. Okay, so “BLOG” is a contraction or slang term for “web-log.” Hey, cool take a nonsense word, give it a back-story and make it important. I’m onboard 110%! But here’s my question: What the hell happened to the “W” and the “E”? Where did they go? Are they building up in some account somewhere like those half-pennies from “Superman III” and “Office Space”? I’m worried…or should I be ORRID?

11. Why didn’t anyone EVER call the police in the movie “Roadhouse”?

12. What’s with the Coors Light cold activated cans and bottles? Was not being able to tell if your beer is cold really a problem? REALLY? What does this say about the Coors Light demographic? I guess they’re too retarded to use common sense or their brains are too feeble to interpret the complexities of tactile sensation. Coors Light is officially the NON-beer of the BT…Ambush, this goes for you too…NO COORS LIGHT!

13. If the machines in “The Matrix” were so friggin’ smart, how come they never figure out that everybody they flushed out of their pink goo ended up going to Zion and becoming a pain in their ass?

14. Will farts ever cease to be funny?

15. When is Kevin Costner going to get the credit he deserves as a true national treasure? C’mon! Think about it! “The Untouchables,” “No Way Out,” “Bull Durham,” “Field of Dreams,” “Dances with Wolves,” “JFK,” “Tin Cup,” & “Thirteen Days”…ALL CLASSICS! Even some of his bad movies: “Robin Hood,” “Waterworld,” & “The Postman” are entertaining despite their hokey preachyness! Kevin, YOU DA MAN! I shouldn’t be saying this…so just keep it between us…you are being strongly considered for Honorary Bayside Tiger Status!

16. Alicia Sacramone…will you please make your deal with Hef and appear in Playboy?

17. People talk about playing centerfield for the Yankees as one of the “glamour” positions in sport…Really? WHY? Okay, I get DiMaggio and Mantle…I’ll give you those…but who since? Bernie Williams? Good player…maybe even great…but can a man named BERNIE ever be considered glamorous?

18. Who the hell are the Jonas Brothers, Hannah Montana, The Cheetah Girls, Raven and Zoey101? Where do these people come from and why are they being forced upon my consciousness? Who do I call to make it stop?

19. Is there anything GAYER than two guys listening to an ipod sharing one pair of earphones?

20. Did Tony Romo make the right choice…Jessica over Carrie?

21. How much of a BAMF is Albert Pujols? How can it be that NOBODY (not even Cubs fans) makes fun of the pronunciation of his last name?

22. So I’m thinking about starting a drug habit. Why, do you ask? Well, first of all, I’ll ask the questions here buddy…but I digress. Drug habit…me. I have a very good reason. I figure my chances of meeting Lindsay Lohan are pretty slim…let’s face it, living in Iowa City may not be helping…I’m not likely to run into her at Brothers, (NOTE TO LINDSAY: You would be likely to run into ME at Brothers…hot waitresses and The High Life…I like it there!) Anyway, back to the drugs! I figure if I get a good habit going, then the next time Lindsay goes into rehab, I go to the same place, we connect, kick the habit together, I bring her to a BT game and the rest is history! Good plan, right?

23. What the hell happened to Gorman? Are he a Charlie Weis locked in a room somewhere plotting the demise of the BT? They’d have a better chance figuring out nuclear fission.

24. Why isn’t there a Vegas line on BT games? Is it because there isn’t anyone stupid enough to bet against us?

It’d be great if you could get back to me on some of these…seriously…stuff like this keeps me up nights.

Let's get blinded by the light...



Your Bayside Tigers