Getting In Sync with our Fearless Leader

So, you have come to this site expecting pure awesomeness, which you will discover, but you jumped in at a weird spot and not sure what's going on? Travel back in time to the first post to get yourself caught up to speed.


Now, it's time to Get Wet with our 1B/MGR Chris. And boom goes the dynamite.

1. Kelly Kapowski, Lisa Turtle, or Jessie Spano?

Very tough. My first instinct is Jessi Spano. She is about my height and everyone knows her career took off after Bayside. Unfortunately, she has a drug issue and is too much of a tree hugger for me. She also reminds me of the crazy dude in the freaky painting in Ghostbusters

Lisa Turtle has a sweet name, comes from money, and is super hot. But she wears some sh*tty outfits, her bass playing wasn’t the best, and has no idea how to drive.

I have to go with Kelly Kapowski. All American, cheerleader, gorgeous, and she can rock a one-piece bathing suit or jeans with fish on them better than anyone.

(Author's commentary: Technically you can’t go wrong with this answer. However you do make a compelling argument for Ms. Kapowski. Lisa Turtle would have been my choice because she’s the only one without nudie photos on the net. I’d like to see what she keeps under those “high fashion” outfits.)


2. What is the longest amount of time you’ve gone without a shower?

As many know, I sweat worse than Charlie Weis on ecstasy. I shower a minimum of 12 times a day, which some say is bad for your skin, but I don’t mind. Or is that meth?

(Meth is bad for your teeth not your epidermis. I think it likely does wonders for your complexion. At least that’s what my local drug dealer tells me. Don’t worry kids I just get Snapple from him on occasion. BTW - Charlie Weis sweats while he’s on the phone.)


3. What is your greatest BT moment?

Tough call, I pretty much bring awesome to every play. Probably cussing out the umpire last year in the championship game and having Nick get blamed for it and tossed out of the game and again for a game this season. (PS. Mom, I know you read this, but the guy deserved it!)

(It’s hard to argue with that gem. Although if we run low on our quota for 700 foot tall fly balls to right field in our first game this year I will be pissed)


4. Have you been told you look like the offspring of Ryan Seacrest and a Yeti?

No, usually it’s Big Boss Man and Chris Kattan

Seriously? No one has ever told you that you bear a striking resemblance to the snow Sasquatch & this universe’s ultimate metro sexual? I don’t buy it. Honestly Gigantisaurus, the 12-showers-a-day thing totally gives away how Seacreast-like you truly are. Realistically we’d all be wearing sweater vests to the game if were up to you.)


5. Name two things you consider yourself to be very bad at besides slow-pitch softball and life.

I am bad at three things: Fighting, screwing, and reading the news.

(Ooh add another thing to the list that you’re bad at…counting to two. You do get a pass though for referencing The Anchorman, a movie in the pantheon of cinematic mastery.)


6. Would you consider growing a beard as a sign of solidarity with the team during the playoffs? If so do you think your beard would be the best? If not you, then who?

No I wouldn’t. I believe in an individual concept, not a team concept, in sports. But, if the rest of the ass clowns decided to do this, I would say Global or Ottis would win.

(Seems pretty dickish)


7. Which one of the current or former Tiger’s is your favorite?

As the manager, I can’t play favorites, but in all honesty, it’s me or anyone who doesn’t F up on the field 5 times.

But seriously, everyone has their own quirks that make them special:
OT isn’t afraid of the ball.
Tracy wears sweet clothes.
Brett is kick ass at life
Eric is a man's man
Dad is super aggressive
Vin is creatively funny
Van is motivated
Nick does not pay attention to detail
Hunnel is the new guy (he will do better than that chick, I am sure!)
Global is, well…

(Well played my friend, well played)


8. When was the first time you realized you had reached stardom with the BT’s?

Probably in 1989 when Hulk Hogan and Macho Man Randy Savage wrestled The Twin Towers and Miss Elizabeth was taken out. But seriously, like I mentioned before, I have oozed awesomeness since the day I was born. In a playoff game 2 years ago, all of our pitchers were gone, no one stepped up (real shocker) and I attempted to pitch. My ERA was 21.62 with 18 walks and we still ended up winning.

(I couldn’t have been more proud that day and let’s face it that other team was full of swingers. That obviously worked to our advantage as most things do. It’s good to live a charmed life.)


9. If you could be one of the following characters from Roadhouse, who would it be and why? Dalton, Wade Garrett or Brad Wesley

First off, Wesley is a punk. So, the easy move is to say Dalton. Lead character, gets the hot chick, has a sexy ass, has sweet hair, and does some killer Tai Chi. That all sounds great, but you forget one thing…. Wade Garrrett is the ORIGINAL cooler! He gets anything Dalton gets and then some. Not only that, but he has some of the sweetest lines in a movie ever:

“That gal's got entirely too many brains to have an ass like that.”
“The Double Douche!”
“A man puts a gun in yer face, you got two choices- stand there 'n die or kill the motherf*cker!!”
And the best line ever,
“I'll get all the sleep I need when I'm dead.”

(Opinions vary but I’d have to agree with your choice of Wade Garrett. I’m especially fond of his peculiar use of the Spanish language, Mijo)


10. If you could choose, how would you want to die?

Any of these or go out a little more glorious this way.

(I personally hope that a toothless bear with an overactive gag reflex eats you. OR! Better yet you end up as a personal bodyguard for a rich guy in a small Missouri town. You kind of fall into a comfortable routine of bullying the locals, extorting money from honest hard working business owners and training to fight with a pool stick. Then a new mystery man shows up in town with intentions of cleaning up one of your favorite stomping grounds. You guys have a couple of tussles, one where you wear a totally BA Canadian tuxedo. Finally you two have a throw down out by a pond in front of his scenic barn/home and he...Tears. Your. Throat. OUT! Of course I mean this in the most loving way possible :))

A Yacht Rock video would have been too easy, so I am hooking up with your other hidden obsession. Enjoy.




Live once, get wet, then die.
Sincerely,
The Bayside Tigers